we were married in the June, we had an incredible adventure ahead of us.....
The year was 2006, we were married in the June, we had an incredible adventure in Malaysia for a honeymoon and I’d saved enough money to take my new wife to Barcelona as a treat for her 30th birthday in September. Whilst out there, enjoying the sights, tastes and culture of the city, we both agreed this time of our life was simply perfect. However, on our last evening there, my wife, who we joke about having a bit of sixth sense, suddenly broke down in tears but she couldn’t explain why. All she could do to explain it was that it just felt like an incredible sadness. It was completely out of the blue, and it left us both feeling something on the horizon wasn’t right.
We’d decided it was time to start a family but after 4
months of trying we didn’t have any success. One weekend, I was invited to play
a round of golf with a mate of mine and half way round we got talking about
another mate of ours who had been diagnosed with testicular cancer in his late
30s after a year of tests trying to work out why he and his partner couldn’t
conceive. It sparked me into action – the events in Barcelona were still heavy
in my mind and I was starting to have a real feeling that “perhaps someone is
trying to tell me something here”.
I got home and felt compelled to do a self-check. I looked
up on line what you’re supposed to feel and after a few minutes of feeling all
sorts of things down there, I was pretty sure I could feel a small ball bearing
type lump on my right testicle. The colour drained from my face as I panicked
about what it might be – this couldn’t happen to me, I’m invincible….
I plucked up the courage to share my feelings and fear with
my wife and we both agreed I’d make an appointment with the doctor straight
away. On the day of the appointment, I was so nervous and uncomfortable that I
shrivelled up like a prune and it was impossible for the doctor to feel what I
was feeling. As a precaution he put me on some antibiotics but after that
didn’t remove the lump, he sent me for an ultra sound at Frimley Park Hospital.
Another uncomfortable and nervous wait followed that test
but I knew something was wrong from the face of the Urologist doing the test.
He looked concerned and my fear was confirmed a day later when I was asked to
come in to talk to him about the results.
“I’m sorry to say but you have cancer”
The words “I’m sorry to say but you have cancer” are as bad
as people say. You panic, you think inevitable doom and you stop listening to
anything they are saying. My wife broke down but I just sat there in disbelief
and shock. I was diagnosed with a Stage 1, Seminoma (which is a type of
testicular cancer). 80% of my testicle was now a cancerous tumour and I would
need an orchiectomy (removal of the testicle) and then some chemotherapy as
they were worried that it had spread to some nodes in my abdomen. We went home,
we cried, we spoke to family and our amazing new world collapsed.
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Click on this link for infomration on Testicular Cancer &how to check yourself. www.nhs.uk/conditions/testicular-cancer/
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The next day, the Urologist rang and said that they had a
cancellation and that they could operate on me the next morning. To be honest,
the fear of having the operation and losing some of my man hood, wasn’t there.
I just wanted this horrible cancer removed from my body and as quickly as
possible. I was grateful to the Urologist team for finding some time for me as
I know some have to suffer weeks of uncertainty whilst they wait for an
operation. I can tell you, you just want the thing out as soon as possible.
The first few weeks post operation were about recovery and
getting my body ready for chemotherapy. There was laughter in between the quiet
moments alone where I would cry a lot and get very angry with life. Why me? Was
it that our life was too perfect before and I needed to be brought down to
earth a bit? These thoughts are irrational and superstitious but very real. On
a more positive note, most of my scruples about my body had disappeared, along
with any dignity I ever had! I had to freeze my sperm as I was likely to be
sterile after chemo and that meant lots of embarrassing trips to Guildford
Hospital to “do the deed”.
I recovered pretty quickly from the operation and so when
chemo came along a month after my operation, I had got myself mentally ready to
get myself through it. It was as people say, pretty awful. It wasn’t a
particularly nasty type but it left me feeling like I had the flu and all I
could taste was metal for weeks. My mum sent me some mental wellbeing cd’s
which I would play to chill me out and stop me from thinking too much of
impending doom and panicking about it. The big question was what were these
nodes in my abdomen? Had it spread there?
My heart sank...
After 3 weeks, the Urologist called me and gave me the sad
news that they were sufficiently worried about my abdomen that they wanted to
give me another dose of chemo. My heart sank, it had been hard enough and now
they wanted to do it all over again. I was inspired though by reading other
people’s stories who had gone through far worse and thought if they can do it,
then I can too.
I was determined to get through that and to “live”
That afternoon, my wife had been keeping a little secret
from me about “being a few days late”. She had bought a pregnancy test and we
sat and waited for the result. When it showed “positive”, we simply couldn’t
believe it - it was like an amazing weight had been lifted. We’d literally had
a small window of opportunity to fall pregnant between the orchiectomy and chemo
starting and by a miracle my trusty remaining testicle had come up trumps! I no
longer cared about the upcoming second round of chemo, I was determined to get
through that and to “live” for my new son or daughter.
That second round was tough but at the end of it, the result
of my CT scan showed that those nodes in my abdomen were just “me” and that my
bloods showed no cancer present. I was so relieved but despite that I knew the
cancer had taken an effect on my mental health. I went on doing the “bloke”
thing and denying it for months and months. It was ”manageable” until I nearly
lost my wife and son in child birth. I couldn’t believe, after everything we’d
been through, and the miracle of his creation, that that would be the outcome.
It was a close shave and, whilst relieved, I was now getting increasingly
angry, especially as my cancer testing went on intensively for years after my
initial diagnosis.
My anger used to peak before a blood test or CT scan which
was 3 to 4 times a year. I would panic, irrationally, thinking that the cancer
would return. My wife also suffered, notably with post-natal depression after
the traumatic birth of our son Harry so life was tough, and I was struggling to
cope.
I was not a nice person to be around when I had these dark thoughts
I don’t know what sparked me to ask for help – I think I
recognised that I was not a nice person to be around when I had these dark
thoughts and that they were increasing to the point I was worried about the
outcome of leaving it be. I went to the GP and he got me some counselling. At
first I thought it was waste of time and that it wasn’t giving me the answers I
needed to my anger and frustration. I was really confused about my faith in God
– He had been my rock during chemo but had also left me feeling guilty about
not going to Church (I never have really, my faith is more spiritual) but in my
mind it was almost like a “I helped you so you now need to come and worship
me”. I was scared that if I didn’t, my cancer would return.
“Stuart, sh*t happens, deal with it. Take control of your guilt, enjoy what you have and get on with your life”
Eventually the counsellor just said “Stuart, sh*t happens, deal with it. Take control of your guilt, enjoy what you have and get on with your life”. It was the shakeup I needed – 12 years on, I still have the odd dark moment, as people do, but I’ve learnt to deal with it better. I do feel vulnerable but no more than any other 42 year old and my trusty left testicle even managed to produce another bouncing boy so I’m now running around after both my sons. Life is a journey, I’m sure there’ll be more hurdles, but at least I live in the hope that I can pull myself out of those dark places by opening up to my friends and family and seeking help when I need it.
By Stuart Brown
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